No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
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Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I can fix him.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Strange
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line