Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
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Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Me redecorating every room in my mind
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas