[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
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“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Check out the legs on this baby
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on