It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
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People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*