babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
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Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Thursday Thought.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
cyclists