*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
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And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*