Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
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Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.