I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
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Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Before & after 😅
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching