I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
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“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
i hate you platonically
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Bless you
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent