wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
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On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.