It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
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Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Xylophonist Shredding It
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Botany good plants lately?
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.