Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
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I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me