The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
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Happy Star Wars day!
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s