ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
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[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
i’m still crying at this
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT