Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
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Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
me after drinking all the wine: