last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
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Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now