me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
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Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”