*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
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For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning