I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
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Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥