Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
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Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
You had me at “define legal”.
I already tried new things thanks.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist