ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
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“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?