Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
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Breaking news:
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.