[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
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Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Here’s a meme
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air