My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
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Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Maths meets science
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks