Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
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to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you