I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
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MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
When you let grandma cat sit
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention