Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
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When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.