Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
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how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*