Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
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Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Holy shit he’s back
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.