Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
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“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
some things should go without saying
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.