Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
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mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”