I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
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I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth