I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
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[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
being a writer on Twitter:
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Ugh but profoundly
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.