You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
🐕🍷