A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
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Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
This could’ve been an email.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
just got my engagement photos
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.