Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
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Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
[eats all your cotton candy]
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
SPLOOT
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
mumsnet is amazing
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry