My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
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She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No