A man of commitment.
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I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS