Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
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accurate
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.