Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
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ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?