One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
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Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER