Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
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You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.