It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
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Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
They also CAN sing✌️
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?