Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
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[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle