Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
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[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Twitter remains undefeated
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience