Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
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WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.