Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
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People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.