Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
You Might Also Like
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Order here:
More here:
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines