My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
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What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest