4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
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I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.